_ by David Law

Senior General Than Shwe, some people feel, has an ogre-dog’s face; in Burmese, the face of a Khway Biloo, in other words, a bulldog. I would like to apologize to dog-lovers around the world that we are maligning their beloved pets with the visage of an ogre-dictator. In Burmese, comparing a man to a dog is one of the greatest insults one can bestow, and in the case of the Greatest Thug in Burmese History, we have to reserve the strongest epitaphs possible. So again, I beg the pardon of all dog aficionados that no offence is meant to them. It is just a difference in cultures. Actually, I am a dog-lover myself, but Than Shwe is a separate entity in and of himself that defies adequate definition.

Since comparing Than Shwe to a dog is inadequate, let us consider other choices. I have seen, in my search of hundreds of pictures of Than Shwe in the Internet, some depictions of him with a hog face. Well, why not? He is “eating” all of the profits coming in from the national revenues and thus the common people end up eating dirt. Pigs are greedy, pigs are selfish, and they can be brutish in their quest for food. I know, because I used to raise pigs (please see my article on “Raisin’ Pigs” to be forthcoming later as a reprint).

Sr. Gen. Than Shwe and his fellow generals are, likewise, greedy, selfish brutes and thus the analogy of a wild hog could be feasible. Again, I will have to apologize to my colleagues of the 1st of the 30th Battalion of the 3rd Infantry Division, one of the units that rolled into Baghdad to topple Saddam Hussein. Their Battalion Mascot is a massive Wild Boar’s Head that is mounted on their Unit Headquarters back in Fort Benning, Georgia. Likewise, I would have to say, “Entschuldigen Sie” to Germans who also revere Boar’s Heads in their culture, to include Englishmen who have pubs with such names.

But do bear with me as we look upon some of the pictures of der Schwind und der Hund. Germans certainly had it altogether in their combined expression of contempt, Schwindhund, or swine-dog. Coming to Burmese culture, when a man violates a woman of her honour to a fate worse than death, he is said to think and act like a dog, viz., Khway kyint khway kyan, so again, the vote swings back to the dogs.

But if that is so, then we should not forget the monkeys and apes. After all, there is a very common Burmese saying that when a man’s mind is unpredictable and liable to do very foolish things such as uprooting an entire capital and rebuilding a Royal Naypyidaw in a jungle, then he is said to have a Myauk Seik, or a Monkey’s Mentality. So the Apes get one vote. And in English, we often say, “Monkey See, Monkey Do!” in reference to idiots who see something they desire and wish to emulate, so they go hog-wild to copy-cat what they desire. In the case of His Majesty, King Than Shwe, he has this wild fantasy of being related to King Thibaw, the last Burmese King, and so he wishes to act like a King of Olden, and hence the change in Royal Capitals, a habit of many kings in the past. So again, the Apes get another vote.

Then again, there is the English-Chinese saying of the Three Monkeys, who “See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil”. If you consider the Triumvirate of the Three Generals, Than Shwe, Maung Aye, and Thura Nga Mann, they truly feel that they see no evil, nor do their hear any evil nor is any evil spoken in reference to themselves. According to the New Light (actually New Lies) of Myanmar, the official propaganda organ newspaper, everything the Generals say or do is holy, sacred, and patriotic beyond par. In their opinions, hang aside all the monks who say otherwise. (Unfortunately, this hanging is going to be literally true, as in the case of the recently arrested U Gambira, another young monk also accused of master-minding the September Saffron Revolution.) So again, the analogy of the Three Monkeys is quite appropriate.

In this above Monkey Totem Pole the Three Monkeys are said to be stacked “Up to Heaven” atop of each other. Imagine Than Shwe perched on top of Maung Aye on top of Thura Shwe Mann, each of them holier-than-thou, always praying and giving donations to their select group of monks, acting very pious but really very pitiless.

If the same Burmese sculptor who last year produced a pewter model of Than Shwe with a bulldog body could produce a stack of these Three Monkey Generals, I bet they would sell better than hot cakes. Or, perhaps we could emboss their faces on the side of aluminium pots that can be stacked on top of each other with handles on one side to signify their hierarchy, and they can be used as chamber pots.

This is not really a far-fetched idea. In Thailand, there are tiffin carriers made of aluminum that are embossed with intricate scenes from the classics and so embossing a chamber pot with an SPDC general’s mug-shot should be no problem at all, and the factories in Mae Sod which are run by Burmese workers would derive great pleasure in producing such pots while making money off of them.

There are Hitler chamber pots that are, auctioned on eBay, touted to be useful as Ash Trays as well. Actually there is a pun, since Ash is German for the English word, Arse (Ass). Come to think of it, we all tend to think alike and I’m glad to know there were people who hated Hitler to creatively make a chamber pot with Hitler’s name on the side of it, so why don’t we do the same for our Burmese Hitlers, and make some pleasure and profit out of it, too? A plastic chamber pot on eBay was selling for just 99 cents, so we could make it popular by selling it cheaply.

It would be a true pleasure to potty-train youngsters on such Monkey-Pot Generals, so much pleasure just to see a toddler sit on these pots.

It would be very nice to hear from our Readers what they think and take a vote. Which animal is most appropriate to describe Than Shwe? Ape or Dog or Hog; one, two, or all three?